Friday 17 July
Andy arrived first and checked into room 3 at the deluxe, 5 star Pear Tree B&B (£50 per night, Wifi and full English included), shown to his room by the delightful Clare. As he took his first sip of Hooky Summertime, his heart sank as he saw a dirty, forlorn, impoverished, alcohol ravaged figure from the local Wetherspoons disembarking the 489 bus and approach the hostelry with his hand outstretched. I took pity on the poor wretch and offered him a pint. Just as well as it was our illustrious leader - Steve Priest.
As we discussed Citeh's recruitment of a highly prized, young, prestigious, bright talent, an established Ing-er-land International to help the Bertie's push for European Champions glory, we were rudely interrupted from our detailed analysis of Fabian Delph's abilities as a Vauxhall Astra powered past the pub with the window down:-
'OI OI - YOU MANC WANKERS !'
Sure enough, Gerard Darcy had arrived - slightly ahead of schedule, unencumbered by hangers on like Gibbo and Conrad, direct from Luton. Darce left to park up and erect his tent. 90 minutes later he arrived at the Pear Tree as we embarked on our fourth pint.
Apparently, while it only took him 16 minutes to erect his 'single-skin' tent but then, inexplicably, he chose to sit peacefully in the field, sitting cross legged, perfectly still, silent, clearing his mind of all thoughts before joining the fray. It was the last time he was silent for a full 36 hours (if you count snoring).
Andy recounted a news story of a gentleman who crashed his car, with his trousers down by his knees, sadly killing his partner but, in mitigation, proffered the rather weak defence that she was only 'pleasuring me in the drivers seat'.
The Keenan clan then joined us - Mike, Paula and the delightful Rachel (ambulance dispatcher) and Emma (fish auditor) - fresh from a shower, sushi, champagne and jacuzzi in the legendary 'Breaking Bad' RV. The girls were keenan (geddit ?) drinking some real ale but, in a curious role reversal, Steve begged to go to The Sun for something to eat.
Andy showed his local knowledge by asking the landlord whether his annual turnover had trebled following the unfortunate closure of the lamented Bell Inn. His answer was a stony 'Err, no' and he told us the Chinese illegals were now running a high end Chinese restaurant called 'For Whom The Bell Tolls' in Banbury catering for the Chipping Norton set (bookings advised).
Saturday 18 July
After a relaxing night's sleep on a decent mattress and eiderdown pillows, Andy was mortified to see the groggy, unshaven figures of Steve and Darce appear outside the Pear Tree just as he tucked into his fried bread. They had come down for a '£3.50 Festival Roll' but were disappointed to find it was simply a floury bap filled with bacon and/or egg and/or sausage.
Next up was the traditional coffee morning at the Church Hall. Much to Andy's surprise, with shades of an episode from The League of Gentlemen, Clare miraculously appeared serving FairTrade coffee and coconut macaroons.
Steve politely asked if she'd be able to knock off work early and attend the festival. Clare replied
'I only go down if the sun's out. If it doesn't rain, I'll probably go down all day'.
This went over my head but Steve eagerly consulted the BBC weather forecast and kept re-telling the joke throughout.
Our spirits were raised further by the arrival of Leo and Hooky débutante, Robbie. Leo recounted the origins of the Crystal Palace versus Brighton rivalry. Apparently it involved Terry Venables throwing a handful of change at Seagulls fans (I think).
After making our donations to the Church roof fund, it was back to the meadow to sit and watch Leo and Robbie erect their tent and wait for the queues to die down before entering the Hook Norton Festival of Fine Ales (2015).
Thankfully, the Keenan's were already installed in prime position under a 'One Touch Erect' gazebo structure in case of inclement weather so we parked our Directors chairs and eagerly anticipated Andy Hibbitt's 'mid-morning' arrival.
We duly embarked on the list of 109 ales, ciders and ignored the gentlemen manning the Carlsberg stand. Some chose pints, some chose halves. We marked each drink with our comments and greeted a few with 'Is that Stout ?'
Just as we were all giving up on Hibbitt and eyeballing potential base row pyramid candidates, a handsome man approached with that unforgettable West Country drawl 'Alright - lads'.
Half past two passes for 'mid-morning' if your pace of life originates around Keynsham. Andy H. told us he had a lovely wife (Charlotte), was the proud father of three lovely girls and owned a female cat and a female guinea-pig but this simply wasn't enough estrogen so he did the honourable thing and officially adopted a fourth daughter.
Andy H condemned a middle aged man with two children to death when he purposefully evaded the camping charge of £10 (all to charity) by claiming he was just 'parking up' despite the mattress and sleeping bag on the back-seat.
The twilight zone came and passed without the traditional game of football despite having a selection of 8 balls to choose from. We managed to raise ourselves out of our lethargy to form a 4-3-2-1 human pyramid which garnered a ripple of applause.
Andy H received a generous bonus - 6 pints worth of beer tokens for the price of 3. He generously donated the excess to the GHS 'More Beer' fund instead of helping to save a child's life with blood leukaemia.
We all received another unexpected and very welcome bonus during the mid-afternoon lull (when Darcy normally goes for mushy pea fritters) when Paula presented high tea featuring scones with cream and strawberry jam topped off with a strawberry.
Steve muttered the James lyric 'They're really nice but, after 30 years, are we turning into the men we've always hated' ?
Steve set the pace by necking half a pint of Cotswold Gin & Tonic as a livener for the Aunt Sally tournament at The Sun Inn.
We were distraught to be told by the pretty barmaid that 'no throwy sticks' were available and most serious teams brought their own. Steve enquired whether she might be able to 'whittle my stick into shape' while Darcy just mindlessly shouted 'SAT-MY-NAV SAT-MY-NAV'.
We went into the beer garden to drown our sorrows and discuss Robbie's forthcoming year studying law (not so exciting) in Helsinki (exciting).
Miraculously, someone found two batons lying discarded, unloved in the Aunt Sally pit which we gleefully grabbed. Burgundies/Blacks beat Pinks/Reds and, inevitably, we were then challenged yet again by some pissed-up locals whose leader claimed their great-great-grandfather played for Deddington Aunt Sally First XI and once scored a Triple Whammy Deluxe. Just as inevitably, 'Salford Lads Club' beat them 4-0.
Back to the Pear Tree for a top-up before returning to the legendary Hook Norton Oblong Tent to enjoy June's favourite band - Joe 90 - who played some BritPop covers. En route Leo found a stray tenner which he generously added to the GHS 'More Beer' fund.
After thunderous applause, the band were encouraged to return for a third encore. As the opening chords of Blur's 'Song 2' were unleashed, every single Hurler present united and one and screamed
'CHEESE BLUR FARMER WANKER'
11 pm was approaching. People were swaying unsteadily. The security guards were looking nervous. The beer was slowly running out, timed to perfection.
MC Pigs took the stage and played a Stereophonics 'Just Looking' and something by 'Black Sabbath' which was well received.
Andy retired to his room. John thanked him for 'respecting me, respecting my pub and respecting the village'. Which was nice.
Flickr album
Attendees:
Andy ('4 year absence makes the heart grow fonder') Cowling
Andy ('mid-morning') Hibbitt
Emma ('Floral Headress') Keenan
Gerard ('single skin for extra sensitivity') Darcy
Leo ('Frying Pan') Eyles
Mike ('perfect gazebo unfurling') Keenan
Robbie ('Lionel Messi of Aunt Sally') Eyles
Steve ('Wetherspoons Loyalty Card Holder') PriestField
Paula ('Buttered Scones with Jam and Cream') Keenan
Rachel '(What is the nature of your emergency ?') Keenan
Apologies:
Mez ('too far, coming in August') Morrell
Pedz ('baby sitting for a maid-of-honour') Morrell
Mike ('sister getting betrothed') Wheeldon
Conrad ('reclaiming the Cornish flag from ISIS') Flynn
Gibbo ('going somewhere Nice')
Steve ('OOTO') Bland
Dave ('Once was enough') Ball
Andy arrived first and checked into room 3 at the deluxe, 5 star Pear Tree B&B (£50 per night, Wifi and full English included), shown to his room by the delightful Clare. As he took his first sip of Hooky Summertime, his heart sank as he saw a dirty, forlorn, impoverished, alcohol ravaged figure from the local Wetherspoons disembarking the 489 bus and approach the hostelry with his hand outstretched. I took pity on the poor wretch and offered him a pint. Just as well as it was our illustrious leader - Steve Priest.
As we discussed Citeh's recruitment of a highly prized, young, prestigious, bright talent, an established Ing-er-land International to help the Bertie's push for European Champions glory, we were rudely interrupted from our detailed analysis of Fabian Delph's abilities as a Vauxhall Astra powered past the pub with the window down:-
'OI OI - YOU MANC WANKERS !'
Sure enough, Gerard Darcy had arrived - slightly ahead of schedule, unencumbered by hangers on like Gibbo and Conrad, direct from Luton. Darce left to park up and erect his tent. 90 minutes later he arrived at the Pear Tree as we embarked on our fourth pint.
Apparently, while it only took him 16 minutes to erect his 'single-skin' tent but then, inexplicably, he chose to sit peacefully in the field, sitting cross legged, perfectly still, silent, clearing his mind of all thoughts before joining the fray. It was the last time he was silent for a full 36 hours (if you count snoring).
Andy recounted a news story of a gentleman who crashed his car, with his trousers down by his knees, sadly killing his partner but, in mitigation, proffered the rather weak defence that she was only 'pleasuring me in the drivers seat'.
The Keenan clan then joined us - Mike, Paula and the delightful Rachel (ambulance dispatcher) and Emma (fish auditor) - fresh from a shower, sushi, champagne and jacuzzi in the legendary 'Breaking Bad' RV. The girls were keenan (geddit ?) drinking some real ale but, in a curious role reversal, Steve begged to go to The Sun for something to eat.
Andy showed his local knowledge by asking the landlord whether his annual turnover had trebled following the unfortunate closure of the lamented Bell Inn. His answer was a stony 'Err, no' and he told us the Chinese illegals were now running a high end Chinese restaurant called 'For Whom The Bell Tolls' in Banbury catering for the Chipping Norton set (bookings advised).
Saturday 18 July
After a relaxing night's sleep on a decent mattress and eiderdown pillows, Andy was mortified to see the groggy, unshaven figures of Steve and Darce appear outside the Pear Tree just as he tucked into his fried bread. They had come down for a '£3.50 Festival Roll' but were disappointed to find it was simply a floury bap filled with bacon and/or egg and/or sausage.
Next up was the traditional coffee morning at the Church Hall. Much to Andy's surprise, with shades of an episode from The League of Gentlemen, Clare miraculously appeared serving FairTrade coffee and coconut macaroons.
Steve politely asked if she'd be able to knock off work early and attend the festival. Clare replied
'I only go down if the sun's out. If it doesn't rain, I'll probably go down all day'.
This went over my head but Steve eagerly consulted the BBC weather forecast and kept re-telling the joke throughout.
Our spirits were raised further by the arrival of Leo and Hooky débutante, Robbie. Leo recounted the origins of the Crystal Palace versus Brighton rivalry. Apparently it involved Terry Venables throwing a handful of change at Seagulls fans (I think).
After making our donations to the Church roof fund, it was back to the meadow to sit and watch Leo and Robbie erect their tent and wait for the queues to die down before entering the Hook Norton Festival of Fine Ales (2015).
Thankfully, the Keenan's were already installed in prime position under a 'One Touch Erect' gazebo structure in case of inclement weather so we parked our Directors chairs and eagerly anticipated Andy Hibbitt's 'mid-morning' arrival.
We duly embarked on the list of 109 ales, ciders and ignored the gentlemen manning the Carlsberg stand. Some chose pints, some chose halves. We marked each drink with our comments and greeted a few with 'Is that Stout ?'
Just as we were all giving up on Hibbitt and eyeballing potential base row pyramid candidates, a handsome man approached with that unforgettable West Country drawl 'Alright - lads'.
Half past two passes for 'mid-morning' if your pace of life originates around Keynsham. Andy H. told us he had a lovely wife (Charlotte), was the proud father of three lovely girls and owned a female cat and a female guinea-pig but this simply wasn't enough estrogen so he did the honourable thing and officially adopted a fourth daughter.
Andy H condemned a middle aged man with two children to death when he purposefully evaded the camping charge of £10 (all to charity) by claiming he was just 'parking up' despite the mattress and sleeping bag on the back-seat.
The twilight zone came and passed without the traditional game of football despite having a selection of 8 balls to choose from. We managed to raise ourselves out of our lethargy to form a 4-3-2-1 human pyramid which garnered a ripple of applause.
Andy H received a generous bonus - 6 pints worth of beer tokens for the price of 3. He generously donated the excess to the GHS 'More Beer' fund instead of helping to save a child's life with blood leukaemia.
We all received another unexpected and very welcome bonus during the mid-afternoon lull (when Darcy normally goes for mushy pea fritters) when Paula presented high tea featuring scones with cream and strawberry jam topped off with a strawberry.
Steve muttered the James lyric 'They're really nice but, after 30 years, are we turning into the men we've always hated' ?
Steve set the pace by necking half a pint of Cotswold Gin & Tonic as a livener for the Aunt Sally tournament at The Sun Inn.
We were distraught to be told by the pretty barmaid that 'no throwy sticks' were available and most serious teams brought their own. Steve enquired whether she might be able to 'whittle my stick into shape' while Darcy just mindlessly shouted 'SAT-MY-NAV SAT-MY-NAV'.
We went into the beer garden to drown our sorrows and discuss Robbie's forthcoming year studying law (not so exciting) in Helsinki (exciting).
Miraculously, someone found two batons lying discarded, unloved in the Aunt Sally pit which we gleefully grabbed. Burgundies/Blacks beat Pinks/Reds and, inevitably, we were then challenged yet again by some pissed-up locals whose leader claimed their great-great-grandfather played for Deddington Aunt Sally First XI and once scored a Triple Whammy Deluxe. Just as inevitably, 'Salford Lads Club' beat them 4-0.
Back to the Pear Tree for a top-up before returning to the legendary Hook Norton Oblong Tent to enjoy June's favourite band - Joe 90 - who played some BritPop covers. En route Leo found a stray tenner which he generously added to the GHS 'More Beer' fund.
After thunderous applause, the band were encouraged to return for a third encore. As the opening chords of Blur's 'Song 2' were unleashed, every single Hurler present united and one and screamed
'CHEESE BLUR FARMER WANKER'
11 pm was approaching. People were swaying unsteadily. The security guards were looking nervous. The beer was slowly running out, timed to perfection.
MC Pigs took the stage and played a Stereophonics 'Just Looking' and something by 'Black Sabbath' which was well received.
Andy retired to his room. John thanked him for 'respecting me, respecting my pub and respecting the village'. Which was nice.
Flickr album
Attendees:
Andy ('4 year absence makes the heart grow fonder') Cowling
Andy ('mid-morning') Hibbitt
Emma ('Floral Headress') Keenan
Gerard ('single skin for extra sensitivity') Darcy
Leo ('Frying Pan') Eyles
Mike ('perfect gazebo unfurling') Keenan
Robbie ('Lionel Messi of Aunt Sally') Eyles
Steve ('Wetherspoons Loyalty Card Holder') PriestField
Paula ('Buttered Scones with Jam and Cream') Keenan
Rachel '(What is the nature of your emergency ?') Keenan
Apologies:
Mez ('too far, coming in August') Morrell
Pedz ('baby sitting for a maid-of-honour') Morrell
Mike ('sister getting betrothed') Wheeldon
Conrad ('reclaiming the Cornish flag from ISIS') Flynn
Gibbo ('going somewhere Nice')
Steve ('OOTO') Bland
Dave ('Once was enough') Ball