2005 match report

[ We had lengthy tedious discussions about the chronology of the GHS/HK festivals - what year was the parrot sanctuary, what year did Cowling buy a round, what year was lard so I thought a write-up was required ]

Stung by Steve Priest's harsh criticism in previous years and mindful of the fact that it takes a little longer to get to Hook Norton than you might think, I set my alarm clock for 05.30 prompt on Saturday morning.

The weather was cloudy as I drove up the M40 and I was a little concerned that I omitted to pack my winter style fleece, thermals and a 15.5 tog Arctic-Meister sleeping bag. However my worries proved to be unfounded as I travelled through the winding, country lanes up over the oh so familiar hill and as I entered Hook Norton, the blazing sun broke through.

11.30 on Saturday morning represented my earliest ever start to the Festival of Fine Ales so I was relieved to see Steve had completed his morning ablutions. Apparently, he was queuing up and knocking on the Portaloo doors from about 07.00am. The festival wasn't even open yet so I had a quick Hooky from the Pear Tree. Surprisingly Pete declined my first and last kind offer of a drink. Maybe he was feeling a little delicate having supped 3 pints of shandy in the Pear Tree the night before.

The Festival opened and as the queues were tolerable, got a few different halves of different ales in. Tip - sometimes you get a generous half in a pint glass.

News of Rich Gibson's arrival reached me on the grapevine so pretended I was fully occupied in the Hog Roast/Toilet/Ale queue to avoid being roped in to help him 'get it up' over in the camping field.

Darcy arrived from Laandaan. While he had remembered to pack the tent that was no longer required and a warm sweater and fleece, he had forgotten the sleeping bag that was so had to divert via Black's in Banbury to buy another one. Obviously, he was not feeling that confident of pulling a buxom young, country lass with rosy cheeks with
a warm, inviting bed to share. Darcy had made yet another far more serious oversight. He was supposed to give Mark Harden a lift from Stratford tube station but forgotten. Oh well. Maybe next year.

Unfortunately, Peter Mullins joined the long list of no-shows. He came over to Melton Mowbray two weeks previously to visit his mum and avoid the festivities at Hook Norton.

Richard Gibson was sporting a lovely goatee, silver beard which looked very stupid - sorry - distinguished.

The 52 bus rolled into Hook Norton and deposited Michael Wheeldon into our midst.

Some ale was supped. Pete got some mild and claimed it was a mishtake - honest. More ale was supped. A innovative new stall appeared at the festival this year - Chutneys, jams and marmalades which was absolutely fantastic. God - those lightweights will be even more sick they missed the festival.

The afternoon drifted along (with music from Coldplay in the Pyramid Tent) and we entered the twilight zone - people starting buying more tokens than their drinking prowess merited so Darcy will be looking to shift 40 1 quid tokens on eBay Monday morning.

Time for the pyramid on the grassy knoll and it was an absolute rock solid example of the art. We maintained it for 7 minutes without a wobble and safely dismantled it without serious injury to participants or amazed spectators. Pity it was only a 3-2-1'er !

Off to the park for the traditional footy match. We had Des, Jed, Dominic and a fair haired accordion player making up the numbers this year. Andy Cowling played superbly - blocking goals with breath taking saves at one end and then popping up in the opposition box, screaming 'IF YOU WANT, IF YOU WANT' to score the winner.

The recreational theme continued as we made out way to The Bell for the Aunt Sally tournament. A massive kitty was started to buy loads of ale (fiver in). Darcy unsuccessfully tried to contribute tokens. The manic landlord with bulging, staring eyes got out his best, polished mahogany missiles which are usually reserved for Pub competitions against Swerford.

We took on an AllComers team from as far away as Oxford featuring a lovely, bubbly girl with Red hair (think Ginger Spice but worse), who Rich insulted by calling 'Ginge'. Also, Iris and Jim, a quietly spoken couple who looked very much in love.

We were all on excellent form and beat them handsomely in the evening sun (6-1, 4-1, 3-0). Clean hits, no metal.

So, on to The Sun, packed with locals who despise the festival and all who attend it. Cold, hard stares as we walked in. Even colder, harder stares when Darcy fills their lavatories with his own version of Festival Mix.

Back to the Pear Tree to the sing-song in time honoured fashion. Thankfully, Wheeldon is present to recount correctly the 18 verses of 'On The Railway'. We succeed in cornering a young couple, who are very much in love and enjoying a quiet little, romantic drink. She was an optician from Oxford but lives in Cardiff with a lovely smile and great figure. He was her husband.

Gibson was the first to weaken and was heard to utter 'Why can't we just go to bed now ?' which was a good line but failed to impress hubby that much.

A lovely comfortable night on the rock-hard ground eventually passed.

Awoke to hear radio reports that an earthquake had struck in Chipping Norton during the night registering 5.7 on the Richter scale. This transpired to be a false alarm and was later attributed to Darcy's snoring.

Trip to the Village Shop for unhealthy pasties, pork pies and lard. Thank the Lord, Tim Anson was not in attendance. Apparently, he is auditioning to be the next Harvey on Fat Club.

Rich cooked up some delicious bacon sarnies but, for some reason, Pete declined in his very own, personal, moving tribute to the starving millions in Africa (or maybe he just felt a tad queasy).

Watched while Rich packed up. Drove home via Cheadle Hulme ('no, no Andy don't follow the signs to Banbury station') and Oxford.

Present: Steve, Andy C, Darce, Gibbo, Wheeldon, Pedz

Apologies: Leo (Ashes Tour), Inglis (training Muslim kamikaze pilots in gliders), Mez (couldn't be arsed), Anson (teetotal, health evangelist), Mullins (failed to wake up), Conrad (hates inbred country types and Darce's snoring)